Find the One God Has for You!

I recently got married, and let me tell you one thing - I'm so glad I don't have to be "on the hunt" anymore. To be honest, too many people today are "hunting," when they should be "growing" and "waiting," but I'll get into that in a bit. What I'm truly thankful for, though, is that I found the right one for me. I found a wife who is caring, who I can share anything with, who helps me grow, and who is someone I can be friends with, through thick and thin. Does that mean we never fight? Not at all. Does that mean we agree on everything? Nope. Does that mean we want exactly the same thing? Nope. So the question naturally arises - how did I find the one that God had for me?


I can answer that in one sentence - I married her. That's how I know that I found the one that God had for me.


At that statement, you probably beg the question - "how did you know she was 'the' one?" "How did you know God didn't have someone else for you?" You know what? I don't know that. I don't know that there isn't another person out there who would have been just as equally great in marriage. I really don't. But the one thing I do know is this - I married her, thus she's the one God had for me.


Does that clear things up? I'll sum it up like this. If you're married, you have found the one God has for you. There are no "if's," "and's" or "but's" about it. God has that person for you. Ever wonder why we say at weddings "Whom God hath joined together, let not man put asunder"? It's because the moment you vow to stay faithful to that person and marry them - you have promised a lifetime of faithfulness to that person. No matter how rash that vow, it's a vow, and a holy union as viewed by God. Sorry to say it, there's no escaping it - that person is the one God has for you.



But what about those who aren't married? How do you know how to find the one God "has" for you?


Again, that begs the question - why do we think there's only one person in the world for us? Where does the Bible say that? Here's the difficulty with discussing the dating and marriage thing from a Biblical perspective - they didn't date in the Bible. In the Bible, mamma and papa would arrange a marriage for their child, and that child would marry the parents' choice. And that would be it. Even in cases where marriage wasn't arranged (think David with several of his wives or Solomon with his), marriage was seen as a "convenience" and practical logic thing. Solomon's many wives were political alliances. I imagine David's marriages may have been similar, or, as in the case of Abigail, may have been a true "this woman will help me greatly" mindset. But not much is said beyond that. In fact, chapters of the Bible (such as genealogies) simple talk about marriage as something that happens, produces kids, and then happens again. Very little is said about dating and choice. So what principles can we learn from the Scripture about dating?


First, let's tackle this myth that there's only one person in all the world for you. Unless I'm mistaken and it's hidden away somewhere in the Bible that I have yet to find, there's no place that says God has only one person for you. Personally, I believe this defies logic. Consider this scenario, and answer these questions. 1) Is your relationship with God ("being in God's will") based on anyone else's decisions? My answer: no. We are all responsible for our own decisions, and thus our relationship with God is based on our decisions and reactions alone. Others can make it harder for us to live right, but there's no excuse not to. 2) Can anything anyone else does knock you out of God's will? Again - no. 3) If someone marries outside the will of God, and thus accidentally marries the one God has for me, how could I ever be in God's "perfect plan" for my life again? It's clearly not God's will for divorce to occur, and short of that person dying, I can never marry the person God had for me. 4) What happens if I marry the wrong person, then get right with God - can I divorce them so I can marry the one God had for me and thus be in God's "perfect plan"? Obviously none of these scenarios make sense. Which is why I contend that it doesn't make sense that there is "one person" out there who is "the one," and that if I don't marry "the one," I'm out of God's will for my life.


It seems that God asks us to consider the principles of His Word, ground out life in them, and then we'll figure out who we should marry. And it's not "the one," it's "the type." Let me explain.


1) We should marry someone who loves the Lord. Salvation is a given. The Bible commands us in 2 Cor. 6:14 "Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers." This includes business ventures, marriage, religious practices, etc. So of course something as intimate as marriage can't occur unless both partners are on the same page. "How can two walk together, except they be agreed." This includes salvation, but by logic would have to stretch to sanctification as well. If you are a believer who is seeking to live a holy, separate, godly lifestyle and your "intended" is not... good luck when the marriage happens.


2) We should marry someone who shares our beliefs. Again, "How can two walk together, except they be agreed." (Amos 3:3) If someone doesn't believe the same things I do... then I have no place marrying them until we come into agreement. Now every caveat has to be mentioned here. You don't have to agree on everything. That's impossible and stupid. But if you hate something, and they love it, and that's something neither of you are willing to compromise about... you're in for a bad time. Make sure the cardinal issues of your life can line up or can be made to line up with a little discussion.


3) We should marry someone who's going the same direction as we are. This is why I advocate waiting for marriage. I got married at 28 (I don't recommend this for everyone, obviously). But if you come out of highschool convinced that you're going to have the perfect marriage because you found someone who likes you - you probably are going to have a hard time. The college years are formative... which means various (and sometimes big) parts of who you are are going to change. So if you are going to change substantially, and the person you're marrying is too, prepare for those changes. I'm not saying not to get married, but know where you're going. Many young people have no idea what they're doing or even what they want to do. That should be nailed down or at least superglued before you say "I do." And once you've figured it out, talk it over with your would-be spouse. If I'm feeling called to the mission field and the girl I like is steadfastly against it, that should be my first clue that this marriage is going to be a serious struggle.


4) We should marry someone who will help us. Marriage has a lot to do with sex (Crazy, I know). But if that's all I'm looking forward to - again, I'm in for a world of surprise. More often than not, the concept of sex is forefront in a guy's mind. Before you get married, examine the character and desires of the person you're marrying (look under the physical). Is this person's temperament, character, attitude, tone, etc., such that it's going to spur me on to better things? Do I meld well with this person? Do I get along with this person? These are all important questions when considering if this person could be the type of person God has for me.


5) We should marry someone who is a different gender. It's kind of crazy that this even needs to be brought up, but if you're considering the type of person God has for you, the first and most natural characteristic is heterosexual. I'm not saying you can't have close personal or even intimately personal friends of the same gender - take David and Jonathan. David described his friendship with Jonathan in 1Sam 1:26 as "passing the love of women." It was a non-sexual, but very intimate friendship. There's nothing wrong with that. But marriage is a sexual and intimate personal relationship. A quick study of the Bible shows God's attitude to any homosexual relationship (key word... sexual, not relationship). It's sin. I don't have time to dig into that topic too much here, but a simple study of the Bible shows that God only approves of male-female sexual relationships. As marriage is essentially a license to engage in sexual activity ("marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled, but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge"), marriage must be, if moral, between a man and woman.


6) W should marry someone who we like. This sounds random and obvious, but here's the point. If you can't stand them now, don't think the relationship will fix itself once the marriage night comes. There's this strange concept in the mind of men, specifically, that if they could just have sex, everything would be all right. Sorry, guys - doesn't work that way. If anything, sexual issues complicate matters, they don't solve them. So if you can't stand your relationship - remember the verse "Only by pride cometh contention," sort out your issues, and perhaps walk away from that before you choose to hitch your wagon to that donkey.




The final point I'd wish to make here is this - marriage is not the point.






Prov. 18:22 says "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord" This is the final principle of marriage I believe too many miss. And it's this...


7) Learn to wait.


It's not about you. It really isn't. It's not about your spouse. Nope. It's about God. Your marriage should be an equation that make's God glorified. That's why the verse is phrased the way it is. An old pastor friend of mine put it this way: when God says "whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing," it isn't saying to walk around hunting for a wife. Actually the opposite. The idea of finding is this - you're walking along, eyes glued to the Lord, and He drops it in your path. Too many are hounding out every possible lead, putting the "desperate" in "desperado," trying to find anything with a skirt (or not) that will marry them. They're not honing their own spiritual walk. They're not serving God in any caliber more than they absolutely have to. In other words, they are childish men, putting on a "tough guy" front, while trying to make the most important decision of their lives. All the while their relationship with got is in the dumpster. And they don't care! My advice to young people is this - stop trying to find the right one. Focus on your relationship with God and if He has someone for you, or even a "type" for you, He will give it in His perfect time.


A marriage built on a self-centered foundation will take some serious reinforcement to work. Don't build that house until the foundation is ready.